Got any lemons?...

What is this feeling inside of me that is making me sick? I feel like I could throw up at any minute! Sleep! Why am I so tired? Where did my joy go? What is wrong with me? Oh... it is overwhelming anxiety about all that is going on the next few weeks of my life. Why can't we sell our house? What if we cannot find a new house in the right school district? It is boiling up inside to the point of making me ill. I feel like I could cry at any moment. Why can't I get my fill from God. His word says, " Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God." (Phil 4:6), yet I cannot feel the comfort from those words at this time. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths smooth. " (Prov 3:5-6). Where is my faith? Why do I feel so much sadness? My head tells me the truth of God's Word, His promises, His love. Yet at this exact moment I feel so alone and abandoned. Where did my Lord go? Where is my Comforter, My Healer, My Protector, My Redeemer, Mr Strength, My Deliverer, My Shelter, My Strong Tower? I know, I know...He never left...I did!

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jer 29:11) It is all in God's timing, not my own...when do I learn that age old tidbit? I cannot see the future, but God is the Beginning AND the END. He loves me DESPITE my shortcomings, only HE knows why, I certainly don't.

I have never been an optimist. Russ refers to me as his "Cups Half Empty Girl". We laugh, but it is true. That is a huge fault that I possess. I victimize myself and think that I deserve something because I have had much struggle in my life that I have already had to deal with...why should things be any easier now? Well, they shouldn't! I deserve nothing! And what I HAVE received to this day is far more than I could EVER deserve or EARN on my own. First and foremost, I have received the love and salvation of my Savious Jesus Christ! I could do NOTHING to earn that! So, why do I deserve anything? I don't! There are people in this world who do not know where they will sleep tonight, or what they may eat, and they serve the Lord with more giving, faith and love than I have given Him in my entire life. When the Lord allows them to be tested through hardships, they praise Him for the lessons that they are able to learn and for the growth in Christ that they are able to establish. Yet, here I sit, about to cry, throwing a one person party for myself...a pity party.

Some people say, "When the world gives you lemons, make lemonade!" Who says that? Whatever! Why would you make yummy scrummy lemonade when you could squeeze the lemon into your open wounds and feel so much pain and sorrow? Well, I am tired of the sorrow! I need my Jesus back....... and some lemonade! What are you doing with your lemons?