Been a While

I just realized that it has been 6 months since I have written. Our computers are crazy and evry time I try to type, somehow I delete everything I have written and then I just get frustrated. I am going to try using a different method, and see how that goes. I like to write. I like to get things out of my head and into writing, because then maybe I can: number one, remember that feeling or event and how it affected me, or number two, help someone else know they are not alone, or number three, make someone laugh. I'd rather laugh, but apparently, life is not always funny!

When God says...NO

Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Psalm 37:3-5

It is no secret that it was one of my greatest desires to have a daughter. After our third boy, I grieved not having a daughter, because 3 children was all the children we were planning to have. I grieved not having “girl time”, someone to huff and puff with about having to watch too much football, a girl to be “crafty” with, to go shopping with, to get manicures/pedicures with, to be able to relate to! Then, Russ, in his precious heart and desire to not see me hurt, said… “it’s not over, we can try again”… And we did. However, I knew that this was it! I was not going to read any ridiculous books on how/when to have sex to be able to choose the gender of my baby. I had my awesome God, and he knew the desires of my heart. HE would give me the girl, not standing on my head, or only being intimate with my husband on a certain day! He alone would give us that girl.

After two miscarriages, God blessed us with another healthy child! In faith, we gave away all of our boys stuff, as the fourth was going to be the girl. I mean, this was my last chance, right? No one was more surprised than me, when God said, “No!” Another sweet boy! I am not going to lie, it was a little hard to get used to, as I had faith that I would have a daughter. But, precious Holden came into our lives and he is a precious mess. He shows his love for me probably more than all the boys combined.

So, that was it! God said, “no!” Almost four years have passed. Four years to accept that God has blessed me with four healthy boys. Four years of people saying, “Be glad, girls are so much harder!” and “Boys are easy!” and “Look at the bright side, you don’t have to pay for any weddings!”
Number one, let me just tell you, life with four boys, is HARD! The fighting and competitiveness is unbearable at times. If two are oil, the other two are water… then it switches. Number two, boys are not easy! They still have drama, and hormones. Number three, I am a party planner. That is what I enjoy doing, and the greatest day of my kids lives, I will not be a part of planning.

I thought I had a peace with this. I thought I had contentment. When people would ask me if we were “done”, I would reply, “Yes!, Most likely!” My heart has been open to adoption, or fostering, but I do not know what that looks like, and with four children, we certainly do not have an over abundance of finances to use for adoption. But, I guess just having in my mind, that God can make it happen, if it is His plan, I have not worried with those details. Just knowing that the possibility is there has helped me be content.

Recently, several friends have become pregnant, and one in particular Satan has used to rock me. She too, had this great desire for a girl. After 2 boys, she begged her husband to try again, and after a while, they did. She would say how desperately she wanted a daughter, and I would tell her, (in that oh so spiritual tone), “Well, God gives us what is best! And having all boys is really special!” etc… Who am I trying to minister to… hmmmm… myself!
Well, God said, “Yes!” to her. Wait… What? How did that happen? The responses of congratulations just chisel into my heart, “Oh, so happy that God gave you the desire of your heart!” and “Girls are so much fun and sweet!” the list goes on and on. So wait a minute… what about my greatest desire?

So as I sit here, crying, praying, writing out my thoughts and confessing my selfishness and ungodliness, what now? I honestly do not know. I am just praying that I will focus on how much God does love me, and how He uses all things for good, and that He can give me peace, and take away my tears. That I am so blessed and thankful for four healthy boys, and I pray that I can be the kind of mother to them that God would have me to be. I pray that God will use them to become great Godly leaders! I pray that although I cannot see Gods plan for my tomorrow, that I can have the faith to trust Him today. I pray that I will put off envy and rejoice with those who rejoice! I pray that I will put off the sin of discontentment, and put on contentment.

Hebrews 13:5
Let your conduct be without covetousness; be content with such things as you have. For He Himself has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”

James 3:14-16
But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there.

1 Corinthians 12:26
And if one member suffers, all the members suffer with it; or if one member is honored, all the members rejoice with it.